Having an Online Identity

Hello again and welcome back to my blog, as we learn and understand this idea of social media and the self.

So what are we gonna talk about today? Well for today’s blog I thought of taking a different turn

In this blog post we’ll be looking at understanding online identity, but in doing so by speaking about it through my own experience and what I have come to learn in recent years.

So where to begin, well I can say that my relationship with social media has always been a rocky one. I guess you can say that it was both toxic, yet in the long run it did help me grow.

The social media platform I’m mostly ‘social’ on would be Instagram. I think it was at the age of 18, when I actually started getting into it. And looking back at it, now I can see a lot of signs as to how it was bad for my self-esteem. During that time, I had just enrolled into my sixth form, De La Salle College, and I think it was the first time where I found myself in a mix of people who were essentially trying to make a good impression, as we didn’t know each other at first. Me, an individual who struggles with anxiety, I tend to feel intimidated from individuals that I perceived superior to myself. It was only when I started getting friend requests and follows, did I feel somewhat popular or at least seen, as if people wanted to be my friend. Even more so, when I posted stuff on my social and likes rushed into my inbox. That feeling of being accepted and seen, fed my self-esteem and lowered my anxiety.

However, as I relied more on this unhealthy coping mechanism to treat my anxiety, I found myself feel worse. As I used to go to extreme lengths to make sure that my online identity, was perfect and ‘cool’ enough for the eyes of the public. I used to go as far as planning my posts, so that even my feed looked perfect. It got to a point where it got so bad that it would take me hours to post a picture or a story, as I would want it to be perfect and most of those times after taking time in perfecting these post, I ended up not posting anything at all. The anxious thoughts overwhelmed me so much that I would break down and give up. I also had odd experiences where people who have never met me but follow me online, meet me for the first time and say comments like ‘you’re so different to what I expected’ or ‘you’re so cool,’ when the reality is that these people don’t know me and it always left awkward tension in the air. It was as if I had masks on and I was adapting to each role, my online identity vs me.

I became dependent on the feeling of being approved and praised, as for every like, comment or follow I received, I felt my anxiety reduce bit by bit. It was only till I got into Uni did my perspective on things changed. I met with new people through my course, that I got to know on a deeper level. My first impression on them was ‘how cool they are’ and even more so their profiles, as some I had already been following prior and been a ‘fan’ of the content they put out. It was only after spending time with these individuals did I realise that they were my equals and the idea of me idealising myself online seemed useless.

Looking at how I use social media nowadays is completely different to what I used to do 5 years ago. Sure, I still get anxious thoughts before posting and I do have periods where I don’t use social media, but I learned that showing who you truly are online helped more in the long run. I learned that once you know who the people in your life that truly matter and that will not judge you for anything you do, then that's all the reassurance that you need. It’s easier said than done, mind you this took me over 5 years to learn, but comparing my Instagram from 5 years ago with today’s, I can honestly say that the things I post now are much more liberating and one can see an evident growth to who I’ve become.